I have been back in the USA since Monday night. It’s very alien to me here. There is so much sound and so many things pressing in on me that “HAVE” to be done. I feel stressed, overwhelmed, and I am still incredibly tired.
I was anticipating my return home to be an entirely good thing, and it has been good for the most part. I just feel like someone outside of it all.
When I was in a country whose primary language was not one I shared, crowded rooms of talking people faded easily into white noise. I could isolate or engage at will. It wasn’t compulsory. Here every word I hear is clearly understood and it feels a little like being aurally assaulted. There is just too much sound.
I was prepared for dealing with a small amount of depression/sadness about being back, but I almost feel resentful sometimes. It’s hard to explain. I am so happy to see my kids, friends, family, and all of that. I am just also incredibly disappointed in the fact that life doesn’t change. I changed, but the life I left behind to go didn’t. I have to implement those changes. Like I said, It’s hard to explain.
I try to stop myself form saying things like “when I was in Germany….” because I don’t want to bore people. Sometimes I close my eyes take a deep breath and picture the church looming beautifully over me and I try to smell flowers and freshly turned soil. Anything I can sensorially attach to a memory to cement it more firmly.
I am also disappointed by how much fades in just a few days of not seeing it. I dream in Germany and wake up in Texas. Its disconcerting, just odd.
I know that as time goes on and on I will be more and more okay, but right now I am a foreign entity in a foreign land.
Grocery stores are so big. Walmart is nuts.
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