Friday, May 13, 2011

Final Entry 05-13-2011

I have been back in the USA since Monday night.  It’s very alien to me here.  There is so much sound and so many things pressing in on me that “HAVE” to be done.  I feel stressed, overwhelmed, and I am still incredibly tired.

I was anticipating my return home to be an entirely good thing, and it has been good for the most part.  I just feel like someone outside of it all. 

When I was in a country whose primary language was not one I shared, crowded rooms of talking people faded easily into white noise.  I could isolate or engage at will.  It wasn’t compulsory.  Here every word I hear is clearly understood and it feels a little like being aurally assaulted.  There is just too much sound.

I was prepared for dealing with a small amount of depression/sadness about being back, but I almost feel resentful sometimes.  It’s hard to explain.  I am so happy to see my kids, friends, family, and all of that.  I am just also incredibly disappointed in the fact that life doesn’t change.  I changed, but the life I left behind to go didn’t.  I have to implement those changes.  Like I said, It’s hard to explain.

I try to stop myself form saying things like “when I was in Germany….”  because I don’t want to bore people.  Sometimes I close my eyes take a deep breath and picture the church looming beautifully over me and I try to smell flowers and freshly turned soil.  Anything I can sensorially attach to a memory to cement it more firmly.

I am also disappointed by how much fades in just a few days of not seeing it. I dream in Germany and wake up in Texas.  Its disconcerting, just odd.

I know that as time goes on and on I will be more and more okay, but right now I am a foreign entity in a foreign land.

 

Grocery stores are so big.  Walmart is nuts. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Note on Love 05-08-2011

It is 12:05AM in Quedlinburg.  That means I leave today.  I don’t think I will count it as a new day until I have gone to bed and woken up.

I don’t remember if I mentioned my Easter present from Klaus, Jutta and Kay, but it is pretty incredible.  It’s Goethe’s Faust.  You would think it isn’t such a special thing, but in this translation, the right hand of the page is English and the left hand page is in the original German.  Jutta went to a lot of trouble finding it for me.  I had been looking for just an English translation, but I had been having no luck.

Goethe is the Shakespeare of Germany.  You would think it odd, but High German is remarkably similar syntax-wise to Shakespearian English.  I went to the ballet Romeo und Julia.  The opening lines, the closing lines, and the lines of Mercutio’s death were read in German and it was equally as beautiful as the original.I have been in Auerbach’s Cellar, the place where Goethe went to observe and to write and I am sure, to have a beer.

Anyway, back to my story.  Another reason this copy of Faust is important to me is because it has my pressed Germany in it.  I have gathered small flowers and a few leaves and pressed them between waxed paper in between the pages of my book so I can always remember my beautiful spring in Germany. 

Well, today Jutta made it even more special.  She printed out one of Goethe’s poems and wrote me a small letter and she folded it perfectly to fit inside the cover pages.  When she gently (so as not to lose my flowers,) handed me back my book, she started crying and told me that I would have to read the poem and the letter in English and then she broke into tears and gave me a huge hug.  Of course you know, I started crying too.  She told me I was the “am besten studentin.”  She wants me to come back to see her next summer. 

I am a part of this family.  Today would have been the 94th birthday of Jutta’s mother and every year on this day, Jutta and Klaus go to the cemetery and plant flowers on her grave.  This year, Jutta asked me to come also.  It was very sacred.  The cemetery here in Quedlinburg (one of four) is actually quite beautiful.  The graves are laid out within tiny (3-4 sq ft areas) for planting on each grave and most graves are separated by well groomed ivy hedges in order to actually be able to sit “with” a loved one and reminisce.  Everything was so green.

randomness 009I saw some lilies of the valley, which are on of my very favorite flowers (they are beautiful and smell so good.)growing on the path.  I asked Jutta what they were called and here they are called Mai Glockchen literally that translates to Little May Bells.  She knelt down and plucked me three stems and they are now a lovely addition to my Faust.

We had the class goodbye luncheon today.  It was interesting to finally meet all the families and to see the relationships that had developed.  It was good to see that other students had developed close relationships like I had.  It was sad saying goodbye to each other.  It’s funny that it was sad, because all of us, save Eric, are going back to Tech.  Flor and I have promised to stay in touch and she wants to babysit the kids sometime.  I promised her I would go to church with her, but I warned her it may burn down.  It’s funny.  I am not, by self definition, a Christian.  I am much more eclectic so I call myself Agnostic for lack of a better term.  I love hanging out with her though.  She lets me ramble on when I want to and she also doesn’t mind if I am just quiet. It’s a nice place.  She is also good for me because when I start freaking out about things, she calls me on it.  I will be happy to see her when she gets back home.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to Stephen.  He wasn’t able to come to the luncheon as he had to get to Berlin in time to get on his plane.  He is already back home in the states.  Hopefully I run into him on campus this semester.

It is going to be weird waking up tomorrow and knowing that I won’t be sleeping in my bed anymore and I won’t be frustrated about the internet connection or yawning over weekend breakfasts.  I am going to miss my Jutta and my little brother Kay.  I am going to miss Klaus’s laughter and how he says “it must be” whenever anything unexpected happens that I have to deal with it.  It sums it up so completely.

On another note, on Tuesday I get to see my kids.  I am so excited to hug them.

Mommy’s coming home!!!

Friday, May 6, 2011

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye 05-07-2011

I am sitting on the couch in my little Darlene den.  All around me is the wreckage of a room being packed up.  I have the mostly packed suitcase in one corner with a neat pile of folded shirts waiting to be added. I have the small pile of not so neatly arranged clothes I am leaving behind. (I bought them on clearance when I got here, because here is colder than Cairo and I was freezing.  They aren’t really my style.)  I have the disorganized table with a few wrapped gifts for the kids, a lead crystal plate from a dear friend, and miscellaneous important paperwork scattered on it.  I have the coffee table, that I use for a computer desk, cluttered with cords, chargers, and blank index cards.  It’s the wreckage of a semester in this room.

Again today my sweet Jutta gave me a big hug and told me how much she is going to miss me.  I am going to miss her too.  How bizarre it is to become so attached to someone so quickly.  I am going to miss my little brother too.  He is such a good kid.  Rica was here this afternoon and she comes and talks to me now.  She calls me “Leen.”  I am pretty attached to her.

Its weird for me to be feeling so strongly about two such different desires.  I am so excited to go home. I can’t wait to hug my kids.  Gosh, Melynda tells me that I won’t recognize my daughter.  I am so looking forward to the changes I plan to make. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with my great big blanket and my 2 count them 2 pillows.  I want to pet my cats.  I want to see my best friend’s craggy face and talk to her.  I want a Diet Dr. Pepper. Winking smile

I don’t want to say goodbye to Jutta.  I will miss Klaus’s gentle humor and Jutta’s wide open heart.  I will miss Kay doing his silly lip sync dance routine to Jason Derulo.  I will miss Siggy sleeping on my head…lol.

I keep noticing things I didn’t do here in Q-burg.  Places I didn’t go into, streets I didn’t walk down.  I guess I thought that four months was longer than it really is.

I took my final today.  It was SOOOOOOO difficult.  I think I will make a B in the class though.  I will know for sure in a week or so.  Yesterday Frau Merchant told us that the Quedlinburg program would no longer exist after the Fall 2011 semester.  I wanted to cry.  This program is so incredible.  I was so much better served here than I would have been anywhere else.  We all were.  This place and these people are incredible.

After we took the final, we had to turn in our building keys.  It was a slap of reality.  Made me realize how little time I actually have left here.  Tomorrow we have our goodbye luncheon with all the students and all the families.  It should be good.  It’s up by the palace in the snazzy restaurant.  Good food, and I have been meaning to get up to the Schloss and take sunshine pictures for about a week now.

Sunday, I leave.

What will home be like when I get there?  Will the cats remember me?  Will Melynda run out of the house to taste freedom the second I get there?  Will the kids feel awkward?  Will I?  How will I handle being back in charge?  I hope it will be easy to get back in the swing of things.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Walpurgisnacht 05-04-2011

On Saturday night, I went to Thale to celebrate Walpurgisnacht. I have included some history from an online source, below.

Short summary.  During the time of militant Christianity and the choice of conversion or death, the Sachsen retreated behind the Sachsen walls, high in the Harz mountains where they could have a defensive position and also where it was safe to practice their pagan faith.

Every year on the Eve of Mayday or Walpurgisnacht, the German people come together for a big celebration beyond the Sachsen walls.  It is an incredible time.

Note:  Hex means Witch in German.

I had been wanting to go since I had first heard of it months prior, but was concerned with getting back from Thale that late at night.  The busses and trains stop fairly early out here and I didn’t want to end up stranded.  When I was unable to figure out a ride, I gave up the idea and planned to stay in town the weekend of the festival.

Saturday afternoon I decided to take a walk and get out of the house because I had spent all day Friday curled up in front of the computer working on my final projects.  I decided to take in the view from the fancy hotel/castle on the hill and to have a cup of coffee in their restaurant (Herr Schirmer had recommended it.)  So I went out and about.

spring 021I ordered my coffee and spoke a little with the guy working at the hotel and he began talking about the festival and he asked if I was going and I told him that I wasn’t because I hadn’t been able to arrange transportation and he told me to go to information in town and ask about the train.  So I did.  Turns out that they have special trains running all night until 3 AM.  I was sincerely bummed.

I went home and Jutta was chatting me up and I told her that I had found out there was transportation to and from the Hexantanzplatz and we both laughed at the irony.  I went back to working on homework.

About forty minutes later, Jutta bops into my room and tells me to put my shoes on (she never tells me to do anything) and she handed me $25 Euro and told me to piss off (one of two things she says she knows in English…)  I argued with her about taking her money, but she just stood there laughing and saying Piss Off over and over.  So I was going to Hexfest!!!

As I got closer and closer to the Bahnhof (train station) I started noticing signsHexfest 027 that all was not normal.  People were dressed as witches and demons.  Dogs had horns and children had brooms made of sticks and twigs.  I got to the train station and boarded with all sorts of pagan creatures.  There was even an alien.  The train was packed.

When we got to Thale, I was surrounded.  It was great.  The sun was shining, birds were singing, witches were walking their demon dogs.  It really was cool.  With the cost of admission to the Hexantanzplatz, I got to choose my mode of transportation.  I could go by very packed bus (which was pretty quick) or I could take the Seilbahn.  I chose the Seilbahn.  How cool to go up the side of a mountain by cable car surrounded by creatures of the night.

Hexfest 015The line took an hour as each car only held 4 people.  It was a good wait though.  I listened to some great conversations but took part in none.  I watched people walking to the vendors and getting delicious smelling bratwurst and thick dark beer.  It was a good time.  The kids were all excited and it just seemed very festive.

An interesting dichotomy is that the weekend prior we had spent the entire weekend celebrating the resurrection of Christ and I had been privy to the Hex brennen in Gernrode at the Osterfeuer. Funny that a week later we are celebrating the very pagan side of this people’s history.  I love that they are all encompassing.

A lot of preparation went into this event too.  It was a lot like any fair where there are food vendors, bee stalls, flashy black light necklaces and flashy devil horns (which I admit I would have bought if I had more money).  My mom would love to here that one food vendor was serving Leber an Brot.  And I walked by and it smelled just like every time she would cook liver.  Smelled really good but the taste was repellant.  I just don’t do liver cooked that way.  Ew!

I got up the mountain on the Seilbahn and when I got off I could feel the bass of the music vibrating out of the ground.  It wasn’t all the way dark yet, but it was close.  If I thought about it, I got cold so I didn’t focus on it.  I headed the rest of the way up to the dancing place.  they had barricaded the entire site off so you had to go through entry points.  At the entry points they not only checked your ticket, they checked you bag for water bottles or drinks (I was just finishing mine, and they made you leave them.  They took the lid of mine so I couldn’t keep an empty bottle and fill it in a restroom. (I guess)  It was just a way of assuring them that if I did get thirsty,I would have to spend a little money with the vendors who had paid to be there.  I didn’t mind.

The first stage I saw was the main stage.  They had a five man band playing songs I didn’t know but were evidently extremely popular with the locals. It reminded me a lot of what I think of when I envision a Vegas lounge act. There were 3 stages that I found.  One had a metal band, one was the primary stage and one was more of a sound stage attached to a techno dance floor.

There was a big drum group playing right near the bonfire which was very cool.  It was an intense feeling watching the flame and feeling how warm it was and it being the only light nearby while the drummers were beating out these awesome rhythms.  It felt tribal.

I tried four different tiny bottles of liquor brewed in the Harz mountains.  I am going to review them on here.

randomness 012randomness 010randomness 013randomness 011

The first is the most popular.  Schierker Feuerstein.  Not my thing.  I thought it had a horrible flavor.  It cost 1 Euro.  It did give me a nice warm feeling. 

The second:  Ritter Bodo, I had never heard of this one until Hexfest, but I have since seen it in the stores.  It was really strong smelling and again, the flavor was hard to handle.  It was one of those shots that sits in the stomach. 

The third: Sarzer Hexen Piss was really good.  It had a fruity smell and flavor.  It wasn’t very strong.  It hits as hard as green kool aid.  it does taste good though.  Really good.

The fourth: Hexen Bitter lives up to it’s name.  It is very bitter.  After it passes your tongue it is fine.  It is smooth and gives a warm buzz (especially when it the prior hour you have tasted all the others.)

All said, on a summer day at the lake, Hexen Piss would be good.  The others are slam them to get the drunk on drinks.  At least in my world.  I would prefer a good dark beer over all of them if I were to do it all over again.

I had three major events when I was up there.  The first was the Techno dance floor.  I danced, I took video, and I just had a good time.  By myself. (I even got a great video of a chick all Hex-ed out jammin’ to some techno.)  It was cool. The second was the drumming and the fire.  It was such a cool experience to close my eyes and feel the drumming and hear the popping of the fire.  Mind blowing. 

The third and by far best part of the evening was the performance of Mephisto’s Reise. Goethe is a renowned literary genius the world over, but in Germany, he is pretty much a God.  He is Germany’s Shakespeare.  Goethe wrote Faust. The general story line of Faust is (this is my summary and might be slightly wrong) that Mephistopheles is the devil and he and God make a bet about a wizard/philosopher (Faust,) whom God says is a truly good soul but who is experiencing deep inner turmoil because with all his knowledge and even with his magic, he is unable to fully understand the deeper workings of the universe.  Mephisto makes an accord with God, saying that he can win the soul of Faust by offering him the knowledge he seeks and God agrees, he tells Mephisto that Faust will prove to do the right thing.  So, Mephisto pops in on Faust and makes him the offer of giving showing him the things he wants to know and in return Faust must surrender his soul.  Faust agrees on one condition; the loss of his soul must happen in the moment of the greatest joy possible. I assume this is because he never wants to go back to a time of less joy. I haven’t finished reading it yet, and even if I had I wouldn’t put a spoiler in here.  Needless to say, a good story for a witchy night.  There is a part where he visits the Hexentanzplatz. 

This performance was incredible.  I can’t really even describe it.  They had every single light on the mountain turned off so it was pitch black.  There were times I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face.  When all the lights were completely gone, high powered laser lights were used that made the sky and trees light up like fireworks.  I have several videos on my Facebook. The opening scene was a ballet piece and it was incredible.  I was just in awe the entire time. It last about 45 minutes and I was spell bound the entire time.  In between each speaking scene was a scene where a different kind of dance routine was performed, a strange horn blowing group performed, and flame dancers performed (SO COOL!!)  I will never forget it.

Walpurgisnacht 2011 Mephisto’s Reise Flame dancers

I left soon after the final show, because after that, the young crowd started getting drunk and stupid and the other people were clearing out.  I wanted to leave on a happy note rather than getting irritated or potentially vomited on.  As I was walking down the hill towards the Seilbahn, fireworks started going off.  It was like beautiful glitter made of light was falling in the trees.  I have never seen fireworks through a forest, and it was incredible.  It was a beautiful way to end a night.

 

Some history (from www.witchology.com):

The festival is named after Saint Walburga (known in Scandinavia as "Valborg"; alternative forms are "Walpurgis", "Wealdburg", or "Valderburger"), born in Wessex in 710 a niece of Saint Boniface and, according to legend, she was a daughter to the Saxon prince St. Richard. Together with her brothers she travelled to Württemberg, Germany where she became a nun and lived in the convent of Heidenheim, which was founded by her brother Wunibald. Walburga died on 25 February 779 and that day still carries her name in the Catholic calendar. However she was not made a saint until 1 May in the same year, and that day carries her name in the Swedish calendar.  Historically the Walpurgisnacht is derived from Pagan spring customs, where the arrival of spring was celebrated with bonfires at night. Viking fertility celebrations took place around April 30 and due to Walburga being declared a saint at that time of year, her name became associated with the celebrations. Walburga was worshipped in the same way that Vikings had celebrated spring and as they spread throughout Europe, the two dates became mixed together and created the Walpurgis Night celebration.

Germany

Walpurgis Night (in German folklore) the night of April 30 (May Day's eve), when witches meet on the Brocken mountain and hold revels with their Gods...

Oxford Dictionary of Phrase & Fable

In Germany, Walpurgisnacht, the night from April 30 to May 1, is the night when allegedly the witches hold a large celebration on the Blocksberg and await the arrival of Spring.

Brocken the highest of the Harz Mountains of north central Germany. It is noted for the phenomenon of the Brocken spectre and for witches' revels which reputably took place there on Walpurgis night.

The Brocken Spectre is a magnified shadow of an observer, typically surrounded by rainbow-like bands, thrown onto a bank of cloud in high mountain areas when the sun is low. The phenomenon was first reported on the Brocken

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Countdown 05-01-2011

About four days ago, I started the countdown to going back home.  I realized that it’s coming up so fast and that I still haven’t seen all of Europe (not that seeing everything in Europe is ever going to happen,) and that I will have to say goodbye to my host family and I will probably never see them again.

It breaks my heart.

Yesterday, I started packing.  Deciding what comes, what stays.  Do I keep the Russian soldier hat that kept my ears so warm in Berlin?  Do I sneak rhubarb jelly and chocolate home with me?  What will home be like?

On top of all this, I am afraid I will forget how to speak what little German I have learned.  I think I am getting better.  I also have finals.  It’s a whole lot of stuff in not a whole lot of time.

I have so much to do this week.  I hope I get it all done.

I still need to go into the Nickolaikirche, I need to pick wildflowers, I need to climb to Schloss and take pictures of the town from above in the spring.  I need to get my kids one last souvenir.  I have to memorize my 12 sentence life story.  I have to study for finals.  I have to decide if I need to buy another suitcase or even just a cheap duffle.  I need to say goodbye.

Having a host family has been great, saying good bye to mine is going to be very hard.  They have become a part of me.

The biggest plus to going home is the kids.  I miss their faces.  I miss the clean hair smell and the goofy things they talk about.  I miss being a mom. I get home in 8 days.

The Iron Curtain 05-01-2011

We got back to Quedlinburg from Prague on Tuesday and Wednesday after class, Eric and I headed out, with Herr Schirmer to go see a remaining section of the Border between East and West Germany.  Many people think only of the Berlin wall when they think of the communist era in Germany, but it was the entire country, not just Berlin, that was segmented.Iron Curtain 069

There wasn’t a lot to see, it had mostly grown over, but to see is to have a tiny piece of the knowledge of what it would have been like to live during those times.  There were two fences  with a space between them that was a no man’s land.  Check points all along it and towers spaced out giving full view to the border.

The fences themselves were constructed in such a way that you couldn’t deconstruct them from the east side.  The bolts wouldn’t turn if you tried and the metal fencing couldn’t be cut with hand tools.

Iron Curtain 031Worse yet, there were sensors on the lines of the border which sent a signal anytime one of them got touched.  This signal was sent to a guard unit who in turn showed up to more than likely kill or imprison him/her.  If a guard wasn’t dispatched, all along the fence, little machines were rigged to fire directed ammunition if the fence was touched.  The communists covered their bases well.

 

 

Looking at it now, it is much like Langenstein.  So many people died due to this separation and now it is a serene place of such amazing beauty.

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